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Joke of the Day

"Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose. Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she's in the Matrix*"

"What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 50 pounds."

"I've got a new job crushing coke cans. Its soda pressing."

"So I just flashed my hard drive. Though why showing my computer my schlong is meant to speed it up I'll never know."

"This party is boring. Let's make like a baby and head out."

"Knock Knock....who's there? SUPRISE MUTHER FUCKER!"

"I think it's odd that you can buy binoculars, but no heteronoculars, homonoculars nor transnoculars."

"How many Vietnam vets does it take to screw in a lightbulb? YOU WEREN'T THERE MAN!! - Shorty"

"Time for a , ""How many ___ does it take to screw in lightbulb?"", thread! Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? A: THAT'S NOT FUNNY!"

"Why does Santa Claus have such a large sack? He only comes once a year."