119189

Joke of the Day

"HOW TO TRAIN YOUR DRAGON 1) Put a saddle on it 2) Get on 3) Oh god it's destroying the village with fire 4) WHY DIDN'T I GET A CAT INSTEAD?!"

"I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me"

"Accidentally wore a red shirt and khaki pants to Target today... Long story short, I think I got promoted to Assistant Manager."

"I wonder how deep North Korean influence runs in america. Anyone could be a sleeper asian"

"The lonelier you are the more likely you are to incorrectly believe your cell phone just vibrated."

"Nobody suspects that you're digging a grave when you're always working on your landscape."

"[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? ""No"" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*"

"He called me passive aggressive. I just smiled and left. Cut his brake lines on the way out for good measure, though."

"To all the people making jokes about Reddit and not putting any additional text:"

"What's the most common ""last words""? Allah Hu Akbar"