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Joke of the Day

"Congratulations, everyone who saw me and my kids at the mall today. That's the cheapest birth control you will ever have."

"[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines] Me: is that good"

"What did 0 say to 8 ? Nice belt"

"What's 50 Cent's name in Zimbabwe? 400 Million Dollars."

"The people on the internet are so friendly.... One guy called me bro, and he even said my story was cool."

"Eminem's ""8 Mile"" wasn't very well received in Canada I guess the title ""12.8748 Kilometer"" just isn't as catchy."

"Stand up... Comedy"

"Maternity. Sounds like you're going to be pregnant forever."

"ME: hah, no way. well, maybe sometimes- or i guess...yes? i don't know, what was the question again INTERVIEWER: are you indecisive"

"What is Michele Obama's favorite vegetable? Barack-oli"