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Joke of the Day

"It's hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it's parked?"

"my resume is just one page that reads, ""i really need money, you guys,"" in an over-sized comic sans font."

"What does Sarah Palin eat when she's high? Baked Alaska"

"Every toddler is basically a 1/8th scale model of a person on bath salts."

"My girlfriend must think that I'm John Cena. She told me she's not seeing me anymore."

"Why do terrorists hate wine? Because there are too many zinfandel's."

"my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I'm being very selective so she learns to have standards"

"The cops showed up earlier saying my dog was chasing some kid on a bike.. I was like that's ridiculous, my dog can't ride a bike"

"When I watch The Walking Dead I can't help but think those zombies are in way better shape than me."

"My dog just growled back at my rumbling stomach. We have reached a new level of communication."