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Joke of the Day

"*looks under bed* *checks closet* *shuts light, runs to bed* *pulls covers over head* *ice maker dumps ice* *dies from cardiac arrest*"

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"The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked."
"My wife called me crazy... CALLED"
"Who do they bring in if the stand up comedian dies during the show? A stand in comedian"
"still can't say ""jk"" without whispering ""rowling"""
"If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen."
"What happened to the gay dude whose lover kicked him out his house? He is Homoless"
"[titanic] SAILER: but captain there's an ice berg right ahead CAPTAIN WHO LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A SHARK: i said straight ahead"
"What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta... F*ck you guys this is funny to me."
"What's the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old."