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Joke of the Day

"I've been sneaking clay, sand and mortar into my housemate's food... When they find out they'll shit bricks."

"What do you call a magic dog in French? A magi-chien."

"There is a mathematical theory for good sex The heat of the meat is directly proportional to angle of the dangle given that the mass of the ass is constant."

"*wife comes home* ""Did you fix the toilet?"" Yep! [she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums] ""You called the plummer again you idiot!!!"""

"My new app is called Tech Bubble. It makes all the other app icons on your phone float around like bubbles. Current valuation: $3 trillion."

"Is your refridgerator running? Because I would rather fucking vote for it than these candidates"

"How many tacos does it take to change a lightbulb? why don't we have both?"

"I often fill my water guns with urine and fire them at tightrope walkers. Pisses them right off"

"No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery."

"*gets on 1 knee* Jenny... ""OMG"" *places hand on heart and starts crying* ""This is great!"" *gets on 2nd knee* I'm having a heart attack"