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Joke of the Day

"I don't want to seem desperate after a date so I usually text him 10 years later when he has a wife and kids."

"Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business"

"I had an out-of-body-wash experience in the shower today."

"Whatever, Twitter makes me a safer driver. Now I stop at every red light, even the lights that I think may change in the next minute or two."

"Ok What kind of hole do you need to turn a 15 mm hole into a 40 mm hole? A paedophile."

"If you like drunk girls in really high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies."

"Past, present and future walk into a bar... It was tense"

"""Mommy does Barbie come with Ken?"" ""No sweetie, Barbie comes with GI Joe, she just fakes it with Ken"""

"My wife was so sick this morning... that I had to carry her to the kitchen to make my breakfast."

"My wrists hurt whenever I drive to work with my co-workers and we go through a tunnel. I think it's carpool tunnel syndrome."