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Joke of the Day

"I've never seen a dick over 5 inches. :/ Girl 1: I've never seen a dick over 5 inches. Girl 2: My friend is a dick and he's over 5'10""."

"Don't bite the hand that feeds you. There's barely any meat on it. Go for the thighs."

"When decorating your tween daughter's room, don't forget to leave ample space for half the glasses in your kitchen."

"I don't even like sports but I'm excited for next year's superbowl... Because it will be Superbowl L"

"Pfft. Of course I know pound town has nothing to do with pound cake. Everyone knows that. *slides fork into back pocket, fights back tears*"

"Why is Mike Pence magic? He can turn fruits to vegetables"

"HILARIOUS: 5 ways in which parents put us through tortures during our childhood!"

"Why will we never know if Rick James was bald? Rogaine is a hell of a drug."

"Chuck Norris can win an argument with his wife."

"The most awkward part of meeting new people is when my kids say, ""Please help us."""