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Joke of the Day
"What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing, and gargling."
Next Joke
"[interview] ""What's your strongest trait?"" My fingers. ""No, like... Are you pinching me??"" GIVE ME [fighting to maintain pinch] THE JOB"
"Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather. I am wearing a house."
"[1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo"
"How many beans are in Irish bean soup? Two-thirty-nine. One more and it'd be too farty."
"I had a terrible nightmare last night that I ate a muffler. Today, I'm so exhausted."
"""All the single ladies... All the single ladies... All the single ladies..."" - list of girls who wouldn't talk to me in high school"
"What do you call a nun that works for your company? Nun of your business."
"I used to have black friends until my dad sold them :("
"Jesus reading the list of sins OH MY GOD WHO DID THAT? OH MY GOD WHO DID THIS? ...Dying."