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Joke of the Day

"[1st date] HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u? ME: OMG SAME HER: What part's ur fave? ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo"

"You only live once, so don't forget to spend 15 hours every day on the internet, desperately searching for the validation of strangers."

"What literary devices do butchers use? Meataphors."

"I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes."

"What's the difference between an accordion and an onion? No one cries when you cut up an accordion"

"Scientists discovered that gayness goes back to the Jurrassic Period, there were even gay dinosaurs.... the gay male dinosaur was the Humpasauras and the gay female dinosaur was the Lickalottapus"

"I bet the LAPD gets a lot of calls about ""a lost, lonely-looking little girl"" that turn out to be David Spade walking home."

"Finding Nemo 3: Nemo's mom isn't dead. Nemo's dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute. Nemo's mom finds them. It's a revenge tale."

"In St. Louis right now, thought this was appropriate: How many black people does it take to start a riot? -1"

"A pharmacy was just robbed. A pharmacy was just robbed $500,000. Security camera footage recorded the criminal taking 2 bottles of aspirin and a Zoloft."