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Joke of the Day

"Don't use up the last of the milk! Leave just enough in there to piss somebody off."

"Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 3 things wrong at once"

"The worst part about by dad driving his hummer through a river was it was not his most expensive mistake. I was. It was me. I was the most expensive mistake."

"Like father, like son Son: Dad, why do people suffer so much in life? Dad: ... for the final five push-ups."

"April Fool's Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared."

"What are the spookiest sounds? Skeletones."

"Why did the hipster burn his mouth on his coffee? Because he was drinking it before it was cool"

"I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers."

"So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said. I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say."

"I've got a pretty big role coming up It's a cinnamon roll."