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Joke of the Day

"How to run faster: 1. Drink a lot of water 2. Wait till u have to pee 3. Start running You're welcome"

"2034. All motivation comes from posters now. People can't even find the strength to poop without seeing italics over a meadow"

"""Hey kids, you like candy?"" I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time."

"Carrot Top's hair should be green. Either that, or I don't understand the anatomy of a carrot as fully as I think I do."

"How do you fit 4 gay guys on one chair? Turn it upside down"

"My son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an XBOX game for his Playstation."

"[therapy] ME: *in tears* So anyway, that's why I think she left me PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family"

"what does a frozen beer, burnt pizza, and pregnant girl all have in common? they all happened because some dumbass didn't pull it out in time."

"Just finished typing this tweet."

"Who is the most basic Spice Girl? Pumpkin Spice."