116405

Joke of the Day

"It's not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants."

"Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence. That's how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges."

"I couldn't decide whether or not to buy this new king sized mattress I'm going to sleep on it."

"What did Hitler say to the Chinese food delivery guy that stole his Chinese food? MEIN LOMEIN!"

"I think you should be able to plead ""humidity"" in some murder cases."

"I forgot to go to the gym again today. That's like 8 years in a row now."

"How do you get a witch pregnant? You fuck her"

"If you stop at a yellow light I'm going to assume you have something illegal in your car."

"What do you call a David Bowie tribute band made up of astro-arachnologists? The Spiders from Mars :("

"Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying."