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Joke of the Day

"Made some terrible life choices the last few years. Just kidding. I'm married and not allowed to make decisions."

"Never borrow money from a zombie: they almost always want to be paid back in brains"

"I can't hear you over the sound of how awesome I am. I've been single for a while and I have to say, it's going very well. Like...it's working out.I think I'm the one."

"Did you hear about the guy who watched that new Bruce Willis film five times in a row? He was a Die Hard fan."

"I forgot my joke about a lollipop... I swear it was on the tip of my tongue!"

"What did the egg say to the pot of boiling water? Don't expect me to get hard in 3 minutes, I just got laid this morning."

"What's the mass of a large chunk of tree? 10g"

"The ""Selfie"" sorority girls Gave there tickets to the less fortunate...I'm my book that makes them charitable women and not very selfie at all"

"Four stages of my life: 1. Life is beautiful. 2. What is twitter? 3. Twitter is beautiful. 4. What is life?"

"I wonder what my parents did to fight boredom before the internet. I asked my 17 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either."