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Joke of the Day

"ALBUS: It's a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING. SNAPE: That's amazing. We can save- ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid."

"[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive [penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you."

"People who are mad that we don't have hoverboards yet are VERY forgiving of the fact that we still have, like, racism."

"Lifeguard: SHARK! GET OUT OF THE WATER Me: [Remembers 150 people are killed by falling coconuts every year & only 5 from shark attacks] ..No"

"Where do otters come from? Otter space. [credit goes to Anne Carson, or wherever she heard it]"

"How did the underage mathematician get drunk? He put his root beer in a square glass"

"How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex? Call her and tell her."

"My daughter just asked for a Samsung Galaxy phone. Had to sit her down and explain to her we aren't poor. #iPhone"

"what's orange and sounds like a parrot? a carrot."

"What do Vegans, ISIS and Feminists have in common? None of them like pork."