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Joke of the Day

"I took a public speaking class in college. I did a presentation about Free Speech. It was mostly just about the website where I downloaded my speech."

"""Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on.."" [rubs up against your leg] ""that's better"" -cats"

"""Squad goals,"" I said, aloud, to nobody, as two rats helped each other move an entire bagel into a hole in the subway tracks"

"Got a text from my girlfriend, thespacebuttonisfaultyonthisphonecanyoupleasegivemeanalternative.' I wonder what ternative' means?"

"What do you the balcony seats at the theater? The Wilkes Booth."

"I have an L shaped couch... lower case."

"I met a hot chick That girl was on fire."

"Say, did you hear the one about the three holes in the ground? No? Well, well, well."

"Yeah I'm married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN'S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT."

"*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned *grammar nazi bites lip*"