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Joke of the Day

"Law of attraction to females If I had a nickel for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive."

"Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans? Nothing this big stays secret. Just Google them. There's probably a torrent somewhere."

"When I'm bored, nobody texts me. When I'm busy, BAM! I'm the most popular person in the world."

"don't worry, if there's a third world war, the United States won't be involved because it's a first world country"

"[opens treasure chest & it's full of treasure] Me: whoa Friend: what is it? Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders"

"Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through."

"[answering machine] ""Hi Mom, leave a message"""

"I don't know if this is a good idea. Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea."

"""Did you just fall?"" ""No. I attacked the floor."" ""Backwards?"" ""I'm freaking talented!"""

"Hey, say what you want about pedophiles... ...at least they slow down in school zones."