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Joke of the Day

"I overheard two of my friends talking about me the other day... I said ""you disgust me"" ""Yes, we did"" they replied."

"""Take it from the top, but do it a bit more boring and awful this time."" --Coldplay's Producer"

"I blow, but I don't swallow. I whip, but don't do chains. Some watch me and feel proud, while others feel ashamed. What am I? I am a flag."

"My friend with OCD keeps hitting F5... he says he finds it refreshing. I told him he needs help, now he keeps hitting F1. (edit- thanks to r/supremesnicker for the better punchline.)"

"A child asks his father how to be happy. He replied, ""I never knew what real happiness was until I got married..."" ""...and then it was too late."""

"My parents thought I am their treasure They want to bury me to the ground"

"It was so cold last night I saw a lawyer with his hands in his *own* pockets."

"All the Kardashian girls sound like they've just been lobotomized and can only remember the words ""I just feel like..."""

"My twittercide will be like the final scene in BraveHeart but a doughnut will fall from my hand in slowmo instead of an embroidered hanky."

"What do you get when you cross a bumble bee with a rabbit? A honey bunny."