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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend hired a midget to play the keyboards at my birthday party I think she misunderstood me. I did not say I wished I had a 12 inch pianist."

"I accidentally got my SO pregnant... I totally pulled a Jeb Bush."

"Why should you not tell jokes to sand paper? It's a rough crowd ...Ba da bum chssh"

"I've slept with every school teacher I've ever had. Yep, home schooling has its perks."

"Convincing your girlfriend she's crazy is called gaslighting, and it's a dick move. Convincing her she's a robot is called bladerunning... It's a Phillip K. Dick move."

"If the beavers are rowing their canoe down main st and the wheels fall off, how many pancakes will it take to shingle a dog house? Seven because ice cream has no bones"

"What do you call a black attorney? A brotha-in-law"

"Me: when is the pizza ready? Dad: will you wait! Me: I DID MY WAITING Dad: oh god no Me: TWELVE YEARS Dad: not again Me: IN AZKABAN"

"Tom Brady ... You the real M.V.P!!!!"

"maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do"