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Joke of the Day

"What do you call it when you grind your teeth because you are bugged you forgot your dental floss? Flossless compression!"

"When's the best time to procrastinate? Later."

"""Shh...it took an hour, but I think he's finally asleep."" *fireworks go off outside* *opens window* I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE"

"age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine* age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine* age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I ""slept funny"""

"Why did the phone get away with its crime? Because it had good connections!"

"myself. Sometimes I get ahead of"

"Some schools are banning Santa so they don't offend non-Christian students. That sucks, because Santa is my favorite part of the Bible."

"Q: Why are conductors' hearts popular for transplants? A: They've had little use."

"The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma."

"Use chemicals to remove polish nobody bats an eye Use chemicals to remove Polish and you are literally Hitler."