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Joke of the Day

"Americans won't get this Free healthcare"

"*Slides a five across the bar* Bartender: Did you... Did you break this off our sign out front? Me: (Confidently) tap water please."

"Last night someone bashed my car window & stole my purse so I hope this thief enjoys his 17 tampons, stale gum & Sephora rewards card."

"I think I just made the best dad joke ever. My son Robbie asked how he should get Poe into his X-wing toy. I said Wedge him. I had no one else to tell."

"Son: Dad do you remember your first blowjob? Dad: Ohhh yeah I do! Son: How did it taste? Dad: Get out"

"Pedophiles are fucking immature assholes"

"So it's okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up. But when I do it, I'm ""antisocial"". I call bullshit."

"What fish do road-menders use ? Pneumatic krill !"

"Why did the double agent cross the road? Because he never really was on your side."

"WAITER:What would you like? ME:What would YOU like? W:Excuse me? M:No one ever asks you, do they? W:*tearing up* No.. they don't. Thank you."