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Joke of the Day

"I think I just made the best dad joke ever. My son Robbie asked how he should get Poe into his X-wing toy. I said Wedge him. I had no one else to tell."

"I want to marry the smell of gasoline and have little gasoline smelling kids with it and spend the rest of my days smelling my family."

"What did Jay-Z call his wife before they got married? Feyonce"

"There was a failed art theft today... the robber reportedly was foiled because he didn't have enough Monet for Degas to make the Van Gogh."

"ELF: Santa one of the reindeer swallowed my pencil! What should I do? SANTA: Use a pen."

"What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom. A pick pocket snatches watches."

"Carson: No it wasn't a friend it was a close family member. And I didn't stab her I froze her heart. ""Sir, that's the plot of Frozen."""

"guy walks into a bar with a .44 magnum and yells ""who the fuck fucked my wife!"". Everybody's silent for a second, then a guy in the back of the bar says ""you haven't got enough bullets mate"""

"When do Catholics allow the use of condoms? When the choir boys have diarrhea."

"On the 5th day of Christmas? Christmas is ONE day, Carol. Convert to Judaism if you need a longer holiday."