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Joke of the Day

"*sees cute girl on sidewalk* nice *she makes eye contact* oh wow *she smiles* is this happening *she's holding a clipboard* god dammit"

"What do you get when you make a train engine happy? Locomotivation"

"What's the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don't know and I don't"

"Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure."

"A good place to hide a body would be the DVD section of a Best Buy."

"Did you hear about the man who ate nothing but prune juice and viagra? He couldn't tell if he was coming or going."

"How does my bladder always know when I've found the most comfortable position in my bed?"

"How do feminists screw in a lightbulb? By holding the bulb up to the socket and waiting for the world to revolve around them EDIT: Rip inbox EDIT 2: Thanks for the gold!"

"In hindsight, we shouldn't have given the cat her own checking account."

"GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, ""I care for you. Don't do this"". I'm still working on what to reply to my GF."