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Joke of the Day

"When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That's what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron."

"*ring* Her: Hello, Sex Addict Hotline Me: Help please Her: Ok sir. Let's take some breaths. Deep. Slow. In and out Me: THIS ISN'T HELPING"

"My friend had one of those novelty leg lamps from the Christmas Story movie, but he lost it recently... Now he's a lamputee"

"Knock knock! Who's there? It's me."

"I'm unsure whether I like my beard. But it's growing on me."

"I got in trouble in gym class, so the coach made me sit in the back, in near all the equipment. There's nothing I can do. He's really got me by the balls."

"""I may be fat, but you're ugly I can lose weight!"""

"Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen."

"Wife: You were right. Me: Say it again. Wife: You were right. Me: Again. Wife: You were right. Me: One more time. Wife: You wer- *wakes up*"

"Cats get a pass bc they're ""Cleaning themselves"". Dogs are like, Hey! I can reach this?!?!"