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Joke of the Day

"My doctor sang this to me at my birthday ""Happy birthday to you. You live in a zoo. You have terminal cancer. Your family'll miss you"""

"Before you reply angrily at a tweet, just ask yourself if you'd yell at a retarded kid for screaming irrelevant shit into a megaphone."

"What do you get when einstein jacks off???? a stroke of genius!!!!! (its terrible, i know)"

"(OC) Wanna know my secret to not catching STD's? I have kleenexes."

"Can someone please invent pantyhose that don't rip? I think everyone in this bank just saw my face."

"I was in my space ship with my pregnant wife, travelling about .95c, when she suddenly went into labor. Turns out time wasn't the only thing that was dilated."

"Why is every boob job the same? Two round boobs. Switch it up ladies. Someone get two Belgian waffles or something."

"Apparently, playing dead only works on bears not ex boyfriends."

"Did you hear about the most recent FIFA scandal? Turns out Lionel was a little Messi in his financial records."

"Fastest Bolt at the Olympics? Was it Usain Bolt or Ryan Lochte's ride to the airport?"