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Joke of the Day

"A Jewish kid asks his father for 5 bucks His dad replies, ""4 dollars? What would you need 3 dollars for??"""

"When I die... I want to go peacefully in my sleep. Like my father. Not screaming and yelling. Like his passengers"

"Bears can swim, climb trees, and open doors. Why aren't there ""BEWARE OF BEARS"" signs posted fucking everywhere?!"

"My new years resolution is 1200x800"

"After 3 months of Crest White Strips, my teeth are so white they bought me a gift card to Anthropologie & wont stop talking about Mad Men."

"What time should you book dental appointments for? 2:30 (Tooth hurty!)"

"You wanna know about hippie sex? It's in tents."

"It was Christmastime, and everyone was feeling merry.. ..so she went home. ---- I know it works better when spoken. My grandpa used to say this line every Christmas. RIP Tata, you made reddit."

"My daughter's school was closed for fog. Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like ""2-hour delay"""

"Passed a sign that says, ""All you can eat, $30/person"" but I don't think I can eat $30 worth of people."