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Joke of the Day

"People need to stop judging a person by their appearance. Just because i have food stains on my shirt that doesn't mean i have kids."

"What is the most violent element of the periodic table? Ni, because Ni for an eye"

"George refuses to date a woman when he sees her on 2 different dating apps. G:""It's too desperate."" J:""How'd you find out?"" G:""I'm on both."""

"A guy walks into a bar and takes a seat... The bartender yells, ""Hey, give that back!"""

"What idiot invented fire blankets? You'd think they'd be hot enough from the flames."

"That moment when you finally get your lighter lit and expel a sigh of relief."

"My wife says her farts smell like flowers Cauliflowers maybe"

"I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. And then it dawned on me."

"1st baby: you make sure he's breathing every five minutes 2nd baby: someone replaced him with a ham in the crib and you don't even notice"

"""I'd like to raise a toast."" *Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*"