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Joke of the Day

"What are the chances that Donald Trump has so annoyed people... that even rapists and murderers don't want to be associated with him?"

"Does anyone else ever hear their alarm go off in the morning and immediately start rationalizing quitting your job?"

"My wife said she had a doctor's appointment at 2:30. I asked her if she was sure it wasn't a dentist's appointment."

"Toilet won't stop throwing up. I didn't know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL"

"I made a bunch of custom t-shirts for my footballer friends, and they suddenly turned into philosophers. Must've been the soccer tees."

"BILL CLINTON'S FAVORITE CARD GAME Q: What is Bill Clinton's favorite card game? A: Poker."

"Why did your sister cut a hole in her new umbrella ? Because she wanted to be able to tell when it stopped raining."

"My time-travelling uncle died. RIP Robert Mack, 1968-1834"

"What's the point of making a whistle only rapists can hear?"

"What do you call two gay Irishmen? Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael"