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Joke of the Day

"*watching a scary movie* 7 y/o daughter: They're just people in masks, right Dad? *blankets pulled over my head* ""Sure, if you say so"""

"My coffee reminded me of Ferguson today Dark and full of shots."

"You owe me a drink, you're so ugly I dropped mine when I saw you."

"my girlfriend said I have to give up my love of pointing out objects, or she would leave. I responded: ""well there's the door"""

"Why's it called getting an abortion... Instead of razing your child?"

"I just got scammed by a hacker from Cairo... I guess you could say I've been E-gipped."

"Hi kids I'm Keanu Reeves here to tell you that speed is never cool unless you're a professional SWAT member on a bus that's about to blow up"

"People who claim to talk to God are so delusional.. I've never talked to any of them."

"I feel like auto-correct should know by now that I'd never ask anyone to ""jazz"" all over my face."

"You say I'm ""Dirty minded"" but then how did you understand what I meant?"