108538

Joke of the Day

"Decorating my xmas tree after a bottle of wine. Mixed up a box of candy canes with a box of tampons. Tree looks weird and I feel minty."

"it's gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill"

"After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts: 1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and 2) I may need new drywall"

"Everyone is a genius until they try to use their friend's microwave."

"I think i just found this ice cream cone's g-spot"

"What's the difference between jam and marmalade? You can't marmalade your dick up a girls ass."

"Worst things the parents do in Home Alone: 3. Never punish Buzz 2. Forget one of their kids 1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza"

"I hope I don't get bitten by a vampire when I'm old and have to spend eternity as a senior citizen."

"A man walks into a zoo with only one animal, a dog... It was a shitzu"

"What's colder than ice cream? ISIS"