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Joke of the Day
"Me [sneezes]: excuse me Guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man."
Next Joke
"I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant. but then I changed my mind."
"I'll call it a ""smart phone"" the day I yell, ""Where's my freaking phone?!"" and it answers, ""I'm here! Under the pile of clothes!"
"Is there an app to delete your number out of other people's phones yet?"
"Two fish were in a tank... and one says ""How do you drive this thing?"""
"""How did you get those scars?"" [Flashback to me running into a glass door] They're from Cage fighting."
"The start of a child porno Little girl: Uncle, how are babies made? Uncle: Take your clothes off, I'll show you."
"I went into a vegan slaughterhouse. Man, there was juice eveywhere!"
"What did one brick say to the other? Guess who's gettin' laid tomorrow!"
"ME: Eat your lemon PIRATE: No ME: It stops scurvy PIRATE: [folds arms, shuts eye] ME: [carves tiny skull on lemon] PIRATE: [opens eye a bit]"