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Joke of the Day

"Ever hear that story of the guy who scaled a building with only suction cups? Well he certainly was a **pane** to catch!"

"What do you call part of a poem written by a Seinfeld character? A George Costanza."

"I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!"

"I'm in a very dark place right now. Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on...?"

"What's the difference between a lobster and an oriental woman run over by a steamroller? One's a crustacean and the other a crushed Asian."

"*takes off pants* *crawls into bed* Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy's *crawls out of bed* *puts on pants* SG- Those aren't your pants"

"You know, there's one thing I have yet to witness in life. A crippled stand-up comedian."

"Roses... Roses are red violets are blue - I'm a schizophrenic and so am I."

"Are they shutting twitter down anytime soon? I need to do life stuff."

"She was a no-nonsense, high powered executive who played hard but never had time for love. He was a dog who thought he was people."