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Joke of the Day

"""Hi-"" ""I have a boyfriend."" ""Do y-"" ""I have a boyfriend."" ""Excuse m-"" ""I have a boyfriend."" ""I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS."""

"What was the former name of captain Hook? Captain Hand"

"Open an ice cream shop with flavors like ""don't be sad,"" ""they're not worth it,"" ""you deserve better"" and see if people don't flock right in"

"When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me."

"What's the difference between jam and jelly I can't jam my cock up your ass"

"On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Ladin, how good was my hiding spot??"

"The secret episode. ""Hi! This is Khalid al-Mihdhar... and this is Jackass!"" ^^^I'm ^^^going ^^^to ^^^hell ^^^for ^^^this"

"I can always tell which waiters are just in it to make money and which are in it for the love of grossly exaggerating how hot plates are."

"[Speaking at funeral] We made it guys it's Friday"

"Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death."