10617

Joke of the Day

"You know you are successful when ... Girls from school who ignored you on facebook back in the day all of a sudden want to add you on linkedin."

"My therapist asked me what I'd feel if I shot someone. ""Recoil"", I calmly answered."

"*shakes the ATM like it's a vending machine*"

"What's the difference between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones? The Rolling Stones say 'hey you, get off my cloud.' the Scotsman says 'hey MaCleod, get off my ewe.'"

"Its so busy at work... I feel like a priest and all my tickets are altar boys, I need to touch them all."

"What do you call A man in an iron suit flying by the king of the North? A Stark contrast"

"I'm not religious but I'm spiritual, which means I think the mothman prophecy is real and I don't feel bad about shoplifting"

"My left buttcheek fell asleep. I'm Half-assing everything I do for the next ten minutes."

"What did the Italian bigfoot say when someone yelled, ""Hey Abominable Snowman, are you ready to go?"" ""Not-a-Yeti"""

"Appreciate this tweet. Appreciate it because I tweeted it stealthily on the plane AFTER they told me to turn my phone off twice."