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Joke of the Day

"*interrupts friends* ""u gotta hear this tweet..Ok.."" *realizes tweet starts with 'action asterisks' & doesnt know how to read that out loud*"

"What did the Palestinians do to honour Yasser Arafat when he died? They gave him a 21 stone salute!"

"[caveman scratches a cave painting of an elephant onto the cave wall] ELEPHANT: delete it"

"I like two kinds of men: domestic and imported."

"A panda is the greatest restaurant assassin. It eats shoots and leaves."

"Why did the Trump inauguration look so small? Camouflage!"

"Sometimes when I'm sad, I'll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people's heads..."

"Woman : All men are dogs. Me : Which breed is your dad, bitch?"

"Doesn't get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner. Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner."

"Hey McDonalds! I bet there are a bunch of 300lb+ people that want to be in your commercials too!"