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Joke of the Day

"I love my yoga pants. I have no idea what they have to do with yoga, but they're great for drinking, smoking and tweeting."

"[Whole Foods] ME: Hi CLERK: Hello ME: Do you...uh CLERK: Do we what? ME: Do you have any...uh CLERK: Go on ME: Do you have any Half Foods?"

"How do you hold your liqour? I hold mine by the ears."

"Want to feel old? Tsar Simeon I of Bulgaria would be 1,150 years old today!"

"If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. I can't stand the sound of clapping."

"How many computer programmers does it take to change a lightbulb? None, that's a hardware issue."

"Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog"

"Policeman: Why did you stop your car get out and yell ""coward"" at the traffic signal? Motorist: The light just turned yellow."

"Sometimes when my dogs piss me off I put their leashes on them, then I sit on the toilet for 20 mins and make them watch."

"What did the corn stalk say to the other corn stalk? ""That outfit makes you look very corny."""