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Joke of the Day

"One time I accidentally gave my cat acid. Thought he would really freak out but he just looked at me calmly and said meow for 10 hours."

"What do you get when you chop up a fruit and mix it with vegetables? I don't know but it was hard as hell stealing thier wheelchairs with pieces of Richard Simmons tripping me up."

"Me: We didn't even have cell phones or the internet when I was your age. 6yo: Did you have bikes? Me....nope, we rode horses. 6yo: WOOOOW"

"I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house."

"A man walks into a bar carrying a small pig. ""Where the hell did you get?"" the barkeep asks. ""I won it, playing cards"", says the pig."

"Did you hear about the tight end who went to prison? He came out a wide receiver"

"I would feel morally obligated to eat whatever I kill... So please don't try to rob my house..."

"Why is Christmas just like a day at the office ? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit."

"A spider crawled into my keyboard earlier. It's okay, I've got him under Ctrl."

"Everyday, millions of plants are killed by vegetarians. Help stop the violence. Eat a steak."