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Joke of the Day

"No, YOUUU had a kid just so you could have someone to eat pizza and play video games with"

"If you laid end-to-end all the plastic bottles an average family throws away in a year, you will have wasted a fuckton of time."

"As I get older my tastes are changing, for instance I used to not like brussels sprouts but now I don't like people."

"May I pay you handsomely, good sir? -Why yes you may. *opens wallet* *pulls out Ryan Gosling*"

"Why can't you play Uno with a Mexican? Because they always steal all of the green cards."

"If you watch Jaws backwards, it's about a shark with gastritis that keeps throwing up people until they all have fun on the beach."

"When I get lost in Reddit, I instinctively click on ""Front"", and then regret it. I regReddit."

"I just called the suicide hotline AND THEY DON'T THINK RUNNING OUT OF MAPLE SYRUP WHILE I'M EATING PANCAKES IS A REASON TO KILL MYSELFFFF!!!"

"My wife said she wants to be treated like gold on her birthday. Apparently, locking her in the safe wasn't what she had in mind."

"jok Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map. Maria: This is it. Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America? Class: Maria did."