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Joke of the Day

"My wife called me an alcoholic, and I was so taken aback I spilled my drink... But I was able to wring out the placemat back into the glass, so everything's ok!"

"What's a bee-line ? The shortest distance between two buzz-stops !"

"I hate people that drink in order to have fun. Why can't they say it's great just to drink, whether you have fun or not?"

"When you say ""liar liar pants on fire,"" it makes you a liar too. Their pants probably aren't on fire"

"Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip"

"Nobody gets treated worse than a McDonald's worker who gets an order wrong. ""Um this was SUPPOSED to be a LARGE fry! UnFUCKINGbelievable!"""

"I have better things to do with my time than my job."

"What do you call a snarky criminal going down a flight of stairs? A condescending con descending."

"I met a girl at a soccer game... ...I think she's a keeper"

"How many hipsters does it take to change a light bulb? it's a pretty obscure number.... i'm sure you haven't heard of it."