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Joke of the Day

"Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone's gaydar."

"My girlfriend's brain is going 24/7... Like a 7/11, not anyways doing business but it's always open."

"[spelling bee] Your word is 'mnemonic' ""Can you use it in a sentence?"" Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity"

"I bought a shower curtain on Amazon once and now every time I log in Amazon acts like I'm the guy who fucking loves buying shower curtains."

"What are the two best arguments against democracy? Donald Trump & Hillary Clinton"

"Your dog has stockholm syndrome."

"The ATM told me, ""Not enough funds in account,"" when I tried to withdraw. This ATM needs a bigger account."

"Q:Of the set; 689 and 986, which is larger? A) 689 B)986 C) Who cares, as long as they are having a good time!"

"What's the difference between an incontinent person and a 1980's Renault? One's a leaker, one's a Le Car."

"""THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!"" 2012: omg please no 2016: are we doing this or not"