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Joke of the Day

"Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics..."

"Instead of throwing the first pitch, it'd be fun if Presidents had to quarterback the first play of a football game."

"I cooked for my fiancee's parents for the first time As I handed out the rarely cooked steak Harry (her father) said, ""I like it well done."" I said, ""Thanks, that means a lot."""

"12: Dad, if Mary gave birth to Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of god, didn't Mary have a little lamb? Me: And you came with a no return policy"

"They say that trains are full of weird people... ...but I don't think that's true. I've never met a weird person on a train, and I talk to *everyone.*"

"What do you get when the Pillsburry Doughboy bends over Dough nuts"

"I'm working on a fitness routine for insects. It's going well, but I'm still trying to work out the bugs."

"My favorite here lately.... Helen Keller walks into a bar. And then a table. And then a chair...."

"If I ever get AIDS, I hope I get it from an Indian. Because he'll take them back."

"[first date] *Ok don't let her know you're a vampire* ""Would you like a mint?"" *reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000* ""Dammit"""