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Joke of the Day

"[inventing humans] god: ""they should have complete control of their tongue"" angel: ""um ok"" god: ""let me finish.. except when using scissors"""

"I got fucking hammered last night so I made sure I took the bus home It was ok, except for all the passengers screaming at me to stop driving."

"I wanted the day off work today so I phoned my boss to tell him I was sick... He said ""You don't sound sick."" I said ""I'm fucking my sister, is that sick enough for you?"" Well... I got the day off."

"On Monday nights, I give my plants the pleasure of a striptease show by watering them with ice cubes."

"Harness the power of my dog's wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future."

"[REQUEST] FAST! I'm trying to impress a girl by text. Send me your funniest jokes about potatoes. Anything having to do with potatoes. NSFW or not anything's fair game."

"Dr: I need a urine and stool sample. Me: *hands him my underwear* Dr:...... Me: Its all there."

"Expendables 4 (Rated R): Tom, Sylvester & Wiley Coyote coldly hunt down & eat Jerry, Tweety & Roadrunner. Directed by Quentin Tarantino."

"Alarming new research into the growing sleep epidemic Over 99% of people are now addicted to sleep, admitting they engage in sleep at least twice a week, most say they couldn't live without it"

"Rabbits... Rabbits bang like there's no fucking tomorrow."