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Joke of the Day

"They say that dog is mans best friend ... ... but I don't have enemies that stare me directly in the eye whilst taking a shit on my carpet"

"Hey, remember when AT&T told you to ""reach out and touch someone"" and you ended up with that restraining order? Good times!"

"Whenever I speak to religious people about my beliefs, I receive a lot of judgement. It seems that Jesus is the only one who truly accepts me for who I am!"

"My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?"

"My girlfriend starting putting a miniature Sylvester Stallone doll in the middle of the bed a few months ago Things have been a little rocky between us ever since"

"What would Steve Urkel say if he used The Force? Jedi do that?"

"I might have Alzheimer's... ...but at least I don't have Alzheimer's."

"From a funny Twitter post If rather die than commit suicide."

"What's long, hard, and has cum in the middle of it? A cucumber."

"[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden] ""Now grow to be a restaurant"""