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Joke of the Day

"Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish? Me: Staying up past 10:00."

"A woman ran out of toothpicks... Woman: Nanny! Why do we always ran out of toothpicks? Nanny: I don't know maam. I always return it after using."

"What weighs 12lbs and won't be getting plucked this Christmas Scott Weilands guitar"

"CW: I think you're two-faced Me: Why don't you say that to my face CW: I just did! Me: No. My other face."

"Did you hear about the blonde that tried to enter a weightlifting competition? The judges said ""Sorry, we've got enough dumbbells"""

"This morning I read about that 14 year boy with a clock they thought was a bomb ...I just checked again and it's really blown up since then"

"How about we don't pick a president this time and everyone promises to behave themselves."

"I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses. -Every girl, ever."

"Why was Mr. Strawberry sad? He was in a Jam."

"I want to go see the new Purge movie... But I have to binge on the first two..."