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Joke of the Day

"Dear Apple: When I want to say ""fuck"" & ""shit"" I don't want to say ""duck"" & ""shot"". So duck the iPhone! Oh, shot!"

"Advertising taught me that hair conditioner makes you move in slow motion."

"In Canada... ...you are more likely to be killed by a moose than a terror plot. Damn Mooselisms."

"Doctor asks a prostitute, do you know who the father is? prostitute replies. Oh for goodness sakes If you ate a can of baked beans would you know which one made you fart?"

"How do you know when there's a vegetarian at your bbq? They'll tell you."

"The Vietnamese hooker who works next to the asbestos factory always says, ""Ooh, me so thelioma."""

"My grades are telling me to be a trophy wife but my looks are telling me to study harder."

"911? I'm a man trapped in a woman's body! ""That's not exactly an emergency."" Oh. Huh. Ok. *Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*"

"If Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are together on a boat in the middle of the ocean and it sinks, who survives? America."

"What do Donald Trump and a pumpkin have in common? They're orange on the outside, hollow on the inside and should be tossed out in early November."