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Joke of the Day

"American: I was just at a shotgun wedding Me: How far pregnant was the bride? American: You English are insane Shotguns can't get pregnant"

"If you don't think of 50 different ways to murder your boss every morning on your drive to work you're probably the boss"

"Why doesn't men use make-up or perfume? Because we're beautiful and smell good!"

"""They say penguins can't fly. Can't? Or never got the chance?"" I whisper in the penguin's ear, shoving him out of the aircraft."

"So I've been chatting with this 13 year old girl online. She's funny, flirty and sexy. Now she tells me shes an undercover cop... How cool is that for someone her age??"

"I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets."

"There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them."

"The reward for a job well done is more work."

"What is the last sound you hear before a pussy hair hits the ground? (spitting sound)"

"I accidentally wet the bed I share with my girlfriend.... She's still pissed"