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Joke of the Day

"If I ever go missing, my dumbass family will pick a photo where I look happy and my hair looks good, and I'll never been seen alive again."

"My friend says he needs to get hydrated immediately. Well, water you waiting for?!"

"90% of parenting is waiting for the other parent to do something about it."

"What did the IT guy say to his wife after she complained about their love life? "" Did you try turning me off and on again?"""

"*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one...watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd"

"""Why your stomach is so big""...""I had a baby"" ... for lunch."

"If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'"

"My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, ""Big pee pee!"" I'm taking him with me everywhere I go from now on."

"""do u have twitter"" ""SORRY I CAN'T HEAR U!! UR BREAKING UP"" *makes fake static noises* ""we're not even on the pho-"" *jumps out of window*"

"Why does Jay Z love Christmas? Because he's the best wrapper alive."