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Joke of the Day

"The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who's murder you're secretly plotting."

"Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream."

"(My 3 favorite things are) My 3 favorite things are chicken pot pie. Doesn't even have to be in that order."

"I found a dead mouse in my mother's basement. Honestly, I hate being a gynaecologist sometimes."

"How many hipsters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's a pretty obscure number, you've probably never heard of it..."

"How many dancers does it take to change a Light bulb ? 5,6,7,8."

"I don't know if my ceiling is the best ceiling, but it's definitely up there."

"""I wasn't that drunk!"" ""Dude, you congratulated a potato for getting a part in Toy Story."""

"What are caterpillars afraid of? DOGerpillars!"

"A blind man walks into a bar. Then a chair. Then a table."