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Joke of the Day

"If your human doesn't feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up. ~Cats, apparently."

"WEIRD BUT TRUE: If you put enough granola in the tailpipe of a Prius, a Slam Poet will receive a Tote Bag from NPR."

"What's better than seeing a girl wrestle?... Seeing her box."

"You know why midget performers attract customers? they remind them that life is short"

"I'm glad the Library of Congress is archiving tweets so that someday alien scientists will know why civilization fell."

"Bought a Muslim sex doll today It blows itself up."

"Why Obama shouldn't take the penny out of circulation. He said he would bring change, not take it away."

"What's the definition of endless love? A tennis match between Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder"

"How do you tell 2 Scotsmen apart? You lift their kilts, and whichever one of them has a Quarter Pounder is a McDonald!"

"""Sir can I ask you why you're smoking TWO huge cops?"" Blunt, i'm *turns to camera* Doing this tweet wrong *Blunt just stares in confusion*"