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Joke of the Day

"sent someone a text that said ""you need medieval catheter"" when i actually meant ""medical attention"" and i didn't bother correcting myself"

"What's Brown and sticky? A stick"

"What idiot named it a mugshot instead of a cellfie?"

"Live every day like it's your last! . . . So now I'm 26 stone, have a drink/drug problem and about to face life imprisonment."

"So evidently the kid who stabbed all the people at his highschool today was always told he would be famous. He felt like today was the day to take a stab at it."

"In Russia, you don't vote for Putin... Putin votes FOR you."

"As an atheist, I often wonder : ""what would Jesus do ?"" and then I do nothing"

"The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you."

"Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private. I ate 32 bananas today & made $725. I have diarrhea."

"What's the tallest building in the world? The library, because it has the most stories =D"